Lost (No Frank Ocean)
A couple of weeks ago, I uploaded a video, a random ranty video, in which I discussed all the changes that were happening in my life and on the platform. In the last point in the video, I had a realization. Those that are close to me know that it is hard for me to verbalize my feelings. Most of the time, my feelings come out in yells, screams, and weird noises but I finally found the word to describe this nagging, stinging, underlying feeling that has plagued me since walking across the stage in May: Lost
I haven’t felt this way in quite some time. I’ve only felt this way two other times. The first time I felt this lost was my senior year of high school. My goal by the end of high school was to make an All-State Band. I was pretty confident that I would make the All-State Symphonic band on the bari sax because that was my specialty, but I never made it. So my senior year, I finally made All-State Jazz band on tenor saxophone. I was convinced after making it, I would want to play saxophone for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong! I love playing saxophone, especially tenor and bari. The alto sax can suck eggs.
But after I made the band, a hole developed in me like the sinkhole that swallowed some of the cars in the Corvette museum. I felt as if I had lost my biggest frenemy. You know….the ones that you’re always competing against but still love and want them to do better. For four years, I worked towards this goal and when I finally achieved it, I didn’t know what to do afterward or what was next. That’s the reason why I started looking into the music industry and other careers other than performance because I didn’t want my life to be a constant cycle of booking a prestigious performance and then figuring out what to do afterward when the performance is done.
The second time I felt lost was after I crossed. It wasn’t so much I felt lost because I finally became a Delta but more so of losing my drive and losing my light. After crossing, I sought that light in others and yearned for validation, which always ended up slapping me in the face. To be honest, I feel like I’m still trying to keep my little light from blowing out. On the bright side, my light is lit and even though it flickers sometimes, it’s not going out anytime soon despite what I or my face says. I also feel like I need less and less validation from others. Though the validation from others is nice to hear, I don’t need it and why should I? I’m f***ing rad!
This lost that I’m feeling is weird. I’m lost because I feel like I lost my place in the world or my purpose on this earth and this is quite possibly the worst feeling ever. I feel so useless and I hate that! It’s more than a year after I have graduated and I held ONE job for more than a day. Even so, I got fired from that one job, but I can’t feel helpless for myself. I have to keep pushing through all of these mental obstacles I am creating for myself.
Have you ever felt lost? How did you feel better?
P.S. The blog will be receiving a facelift so some changes made are going to be made. Good changes.
P.S.S. I’m sure I used that incorrectly but shout out to my sister from another mister Dayna cause she’s the realest and likes to promote reading.