Flashback Friday: July 17, 2018

So I wrote this almost a year ago. There is a good side and a bad side about this article. The bad side is that I am still broke and jobless (kind of) but the good side is that I have an idea of the direction I am going in.

I did not know that summer days can be just as grey as the rainy winter months of southeastern Louisiana. The difference between the two is that winters are expected to be just as bleak, dismal, and depressing as movies and books describe them to be. Summer is supposed bright, happy, and full of smiles and memories. Summers are supposed to feel hot, humid, and sticky--almost like bad romance novels. However, the past two weeks of this summer have been anything but. Days are grey and dreary as if to warn everyone on the ground of some type of impending doom. The weather seems to be dreary but there’s hope for change. Maybe that’s just my outlook right now and not the weather. I have hope that I will find a job but I am so tired of being broke and having my account overdraft. This is sickening. I hate having to depend on my parents after being really independent for the past four years. The worst part about this is that I don’t know which direction to go in right now. The first step is to find a job but then what. Do I save up for grad school? Do I continue to make videos with my parents in hope of that kicking off? Do I make videos for myself again? Should I just make videos? That is what really brings me much joy. Creating videos, photography, graphics. I love this stuff. I just can’t seem to grasp what exactly job that would be. Maybe I’ll just be lost for the rest of my life just like this summer weather.

The problem with my mood is not the weather. I have been in this house, been broke, and been isolated for way too long. I need to be in the city or running errands. I need to have money to run errands in the first place so that is problem one. I think another problem with my mood is that I don’t have anything to drive me out of bed. I think I'm going through a depression. My drive is all the turned off, my confidence is waning, I haven’t talked to many people but it just seems like I don’t like where I am at in my life right now. I don’t like where I am at right now. I need some type of help because this is an uncomfortable feeling. Maybe this is just a stepping stone in the path I have to take to be great. That’s the other thing. I know I’m destined for greatness but I just keep messing up royally. I think in order for me to get out of this funk I need to just go ahead and start and learn how to forgive myself because that’s something I don’t do enough of. Matter fact, I don’t think I know HOW to forgive myself. What would that even look like for me? I know there are small things that I haven’t forgiven myself for and that’s really bizarre. There are things that I want to leave in the past but can’t seem to because I haven’t forgiven myself for it.

But yeah. It’s cloudy out.

Lost (No Frank Ocean)

Lost (No Frank Ocean)